After I do some miscellaneous gigs this summer, I’m sure I’ll have collected at least enough money to get a Macbook Pro. The problem is, do I really want one? I know they’re awesome. They’re so much better for our rails dev and everything, not to mention on my own time I’ll be able to develop for the iphone. But maybe it’s just peer pressure? Everyone in freaking Berkeley and Palo Alto uses a mac. Actually let me rephrase this…everyone who does anything related to web dev here. It’s sort of ridiculous and awesome at the same time. Still, it’s a lot of money. I could save the money toward a car…or something. Iono. But it’s like a tool I actually need: I’m not buying the mac for looks. It’s actually very useful now I’ve come to realize. Like windows, it can use flex builder 3. Like linux, it has a terminal and the stuff I need to get shit done. Currently I have to dual-boot or run two laptops side by side or use windows with lame editors (notepad++ is my best option) to do my code. I am lusting after textmate. adsfjkl!

Oh well, I also need a 24″ LCD for school, definitely. I can forego a mac for a year or two, but I can’t forego a separate LCD. The benefits are endless as I have now learned. I don’t think a bigger LCD is a good idea, but 24″ is perfect.

Dinner tonight with Lightspeed — got to know more about how the funding program works and all. I’m thinking in the future if I want to start my first company, it needs to either be with them, HCP, or another group that does what they do. They don’t take a stake in the company! They just provide seed funding for what they think are good ideas and then give companies a chance to pitch for real round A funding later on. I’m not sure if my ideas are going to work with this but it’s worth a try next year probably, if I’m not still working with Indinero or whatever.

Working here is great! I get to solve cool problems and later I’ll get to tackle what I’m interested in learning. Food isn’t bad, life is good in general…camera battery ran out otherwise I’d upload some pictures.

Time to sleep, gotta work tomorrow morning. Not much time to do much else than research for code or actual programming, but yeah, I’ll spend the weekends doing odd webdesign jobs or something.

First full day here at indinero. Finished a flex thing, working on a rails thing, learned tons and it’s barely begun. A lot of work though with only some results — mostly because I’m a total rails newbie and they’re helping me to my feet. Jess is an amazing teacher. Oh yeah, and she’s tall. 2 inches taller than me, haha. Really cool. All the people I work with are super cool. There’s Danish Khan, who drives fast and is awesome in general. Also, Andy Su, who actually only started programming in the last few years but is amazing and does everything. And there’s Dylan Field, who makes l33tass meatballs and is the only guy here with the 13 inch macbook pro (haha I drool).

Office is a pretty awesome place at Sand Hill, except that it gets hot at night and the internet there blows — really 4 ev-do cards serving 22 people on the same floor — not good. So yeah, we worked from home yesterday, probably doing the same today. Fancy shmancy dinner tonight with other Lightspeed-funded teams (oh man, steak!) — looking forward to that.

Work is pretty relaxed, but there’s so much to do. Like the company culture is work when you want, but get stuff done. For me, that means just keep reading and working to learn to catch up and get with the game. Gah, it can be stressful. It’s also a little crazy because I’m not used to MVC at all and when I’m debugging I have to look at the ssh terminal instead of actual output, that is, until I figure out views and all. Jess and them are chill though, they know I have a learning curve, haha.

Driving around here is fun too. It’s like driving in NYC except people are chill and there’s like no honking at all. Oh and hills. Yeah, the landlord’s car that I drove is actually the same car I drive at home except green.

Started a Bank of America account too, mostly because I had to test something and needed a bank account that wasn’t TD (td bank is really silly…the login is your social, and I typed it into a terminal when Andy was testing and he was like OMG I have your social and pin — I was like ahehe…wtf)

We went to Berkeley Games and got two chess sets too. I smell bug happening.

I have to get on this with helping finish Niti’s dad’s website. Once it’s 15 hours and the site is done and he’s happy with the quality of work, I should be about $400 richer, which is rich enough to buy a used macbook, actually. I found a good deal on SF Bay Craigslist. Win!

In Holmdel, at any rate. Went to church this morning (interesting in and of itself, had a really great talk with Christine Wang) and Horace came over later so that I could sign his yearbook and give some last goodbyes. Then I took off w/ the family to Sandy Hook for a stroll along the beach, some rock throwing, shell collecting, and family time. Got home, watched Inkheart with the family, and lo and behold, Cody arrives!

Went to her house and sat drinking pink milk with her for about a half hour. It was late though, so I had to go, but it is definitely something to remember. She made me a really awesome montage of awesomeness — I’ll have it hung up in my room, and in my dorm when I get there!

Aw I’ll miss you Lauren! And everyone else…this is my last night in Holmdel.

Fitting that it’s 2am and I’m still considering it early to clock out.

Packing like a madman. I need to clean, pack, buy stuff, yeah. I feel crazy right now.

But I’m happier than I’ve been, ever, despite how physically and mentally exhausted I am from the past few days.

I may or may not turn this into an actual essay. But here are my thoughts on love, thanks to a lot of thought and newfound revelation. You see, I once convinced myself that love was about a principle, not a passion. That because feelings change and because ideas don’t, and because we can choose to believe ideas but we cannot choose our feelings, that love could never be passion. But I think I was misguided now. I mean, how can love not involve emotion or passion? Sure, love is a choice (and I think many experience the phenomenon of talking themselves into liking someone) — but do we consciously make this choice? And once the choice is made, can it hope to change? I think the answer is no to the first, but only maybe to the second, because truthfully, there are things that will ruin love.

But how can I positively say something like this? Well, when I am troubled I turn to the bible. In a matter of emotion, in considering whether what I am experiencing is love, I have to address the subject of what love is. So I flip to the go-to verse about love — 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. I hold a special connection with 1 Corinthians 13:13 — I was named after it, as were my siblings. My chinese name means faith, my brother’s means hope, and my sister’s name means love. And of course, the greatest of the three of us is love (my older sister).

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Love isn’t something you can just say. “I love you.” The words mean nothing without more.

2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

You can’t rationalize love and turn it into just an idea, something I have been guilty of for various reasons. Feeling is definitely a part of it. There is a special feeling it gives, something indescribable.

3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

The key to this is that love isn’t necessarily about how much you can sacrifice either — because everything done in love must be done wholeheartedly. Unless a sacrifice is done out of choice, that is, love, it means nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

After addressing what love isn’t, this addresses what love is.

6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

This verse holds special significance to me. All actions done in love must be honest and truthful, without malice or ill intent. Honesty is the best policy, in short.

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What must happen for love to continue. A loss of trust, hope, or perseverance is deadly when it comes to love.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Love endures even while other things don’t.

9For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

We divine the future based on what we know, and what we think will happen.

10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

But love, something perfect, makes a lot of what we know irrelevant.

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

In short, “grow up” and see things how they are.

12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

This verse tells of a separation between man and God but it can just as easily mean the separation between two distant people. Any communication over distance is but a poor reflection of being able to see face to face. While we are now separated from God, this verse says we will one day be together. While two people may be apart now, they can still find themselves together. And knowing in part is one thing, but a full understanding is a whole other story. Understanding is what makes love most valuable.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And so, the three things that are vital to a relationship between any two people are faith, hope, and love. But of course, love matters most. And love can exist as long as there is all of those elements. None of those elements can’t be chosen. I mean, you have to choose to be patient, kind, and selfless. And yet, do we do those things out of will, or because we can’t help ourselves? I find that I can’t help myself — at least toward people I love. I exhibit these traits toward my family because I love them — can I help that I do? Still I choose to exhibit these traits (it’s not like I have to, I just do), and so it’s not something we can rationalize. So while we choose, we also don’t. It’s complicated.

And it doesn’t change — even when I am angry with my family I will continue to exhibit these traits. I still trust anyone in the family, even when angry.

I mean, I still trust my friend even if she’s angry at me. And I still hope even if the world tells me it’s not practical.

So that’s love.

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes,
and tell me when it rains,
And I’ll blend up that rainbow above you,
and shoot it through your veins.
Cuz your heart has a lack of color,
and we should’ve known,
that we’d grow up sooner or later,
cause we wasted all our free time alone

Went on a walk yesterday and realized that love isn’t just an idea. It’s something you can feel.

I don’t think I’ve been this surprised, ever. Ever. Or felt so loved. God…I couldn’t cry then but I definitely am tearing up right now just thinking about all the work and planning my friends and family put into surprising me.

So I spent the day cleaning the house after getting back from my annual teeth cleaning (yay for dentists) — after which Stan and I went down to Sandy Hook and we biked along the beach. That in and of itself was amazing. Coming back, I was really happy, and my mother had told me that three of my friends were coming to have dinner with us. I told Stan that he should also have dinner with us, and we went in. That’s when things started getting strange: Esther told me to clean the back deck chairs. I was like okay something is up, she emphasized not going into the house basically. But there were no cars on the block, so I was like hrm guess the guests aren’t here yet.

Oh wow. I don’t know if my mouth was hanging open but I was just shocked. They invited everyone! Ben made it even though he was sick (thanks Ben), Ann made it despite ditching me and Stan from our bike ride, and Paula made it despite us seeing her at the beach when we were riding (where she claims she almost let the cat out of the bag). They gave me gifts and stuff that made me feel totally unworthy already, and then they gave me a scrapbook that is now my second most prized possession (after my bible), haha. And you know, I mean if there was one thing I could take out of my house in a fire, I’d take this scrapbook. I can get another bible, but this is irreplaceable and priceless.

And I have so much thanks to give, and all of it is inadequate but I’ll go for it anyway.

God, Danielle and Monica. First of all, before I say anything, I’d just like to say: my mother thinks Danielle is the sweetest girl she’s ever met. If my mother had her way, I’d probably have to ask Danielle to marry me. Just making it clear. I’d have to agree that she is one of the sweetest, most selfless, caring people in existence. The effort she put out, how undeserving she can make me feel from her beautiful heart and ability to just show care…oh man. Pardon me, I need a tissue. And Monica…I don’t know if I can live without hearing her bright voice anymore. Between your voice and gummy bears, I’d choose your voice. Between your voice and programming, I’d choose your voice. How else do I express how much just hearing you speak means to me? You’re like this wellspring of energy and life. You thought you cried when you heard I was leaving? I’m using those sniff tissues right now. I’m not sure they’ll be enough.

God…it’s funny how a graduation/going-away party can be so awesome and yet…make things sadder because you realize just how much more you’ll miss your friends. Guys, you’re the best. Not to mention, for planning the entire thing, I’ll never be able to repay in kind what you gave me. It was more than a time to be with friends and eat, you know! It was just being surrounded with so much love and care and knowing just a little bit of how much friends can mean to me. I definitely did not need a party to know to appreciate my friends, but this deed from you all, especially you two, was so moving. It’s inexplicable with words. Were I a painter, I’d paint this into something beautiful and give it to you two.

Jackie, you’re the best for just knowing me and listening to me and being a great friend. You have no idea what it means to me. I also know what you did to get to help make that scrapbook. I…don’t know what to say. Haha. Lost for words. I will never stop having convos with you late at night!

Andrew, I will never be able to repay you…all you do as a friend is give. I imagine it was a feat all in itself that you kept the surprise from me, haha. You also made really good excuses that I fell for. Every single one. Damn and you’re just the best friend a guy can have. I don’t think I need to write anything for you to know that. If I keep you sane, you keep me alive. I’m pretty sure that tips the scale heavily against me. Haha, I owe you the world.

Ben, I can’t begin to express how happy I was to be able to see my childhood bud at a going-away party, and even though you were sick, you still made it. I will never forget you or lose contact with you. I’m the original member of your azn posse remember? I will be back to visit you and Ala and we need to have more fun and adventures. I’m going to school with that other dude in our trio of amazingness from 8th grade — Steve Guo! Remember our awesomeness? Yes. We were awesome. Oh by the way the dentist said my tooth is healthy and awesome.

Cathay and Lilia, you guys mean more to me than you know. Lilia for your great compassion as a friend. Cathay, for the joy and life and fun you bring in all my seriousness. You bring out the worst in me (which is the best). Don’t work too hard next year. Ask me for help if you need it with college essays.

Niyati Patel. I love you. I needs you. Needs. YOU NEEDS, NOT YOUR MOTHER. My god, if cathay brings life and fun into my life, you bring that, and everything else. You know what’s what. There’s never been a more chill person I’ve met. Don’t stop rockin’ — please call me and hey we can dance via webcam or something…or just wave our club rings at each other. Haha.

Greg Cheng – I will miss doing crazy stuff with you all the time. We need to do more crazy stuff before I go, but yeah if you sell your car, it’ll be to me. Haha. You’re a real character, and there are way too many crazy times for me to bother writing — you know them. You’re no pansy, you’re a snapdragon or morning glory or…goddammit I’m bad at figuring out manly flower names. Okay and all I will say is this: we’re going to get those cheesy fiesta potatoes.

Paula! I admire you more than words can express. We also grew up knowing each other, and we probably became closer these past weeks than after all those years of familiarity. But you know what? I don’t know how much you noticed me, but everything you’ve ever said to me or done, I’ve remembered and respected really deeply. You’re the most honest, straightforward, and reliable person I know. You’re also one of the only people singularly capable of making me feel like you entirely understand me. You’ve got a real heart, you’re down to earth, and you can be sure I will forever be your friend…and advocate. (AHEM A CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL OUT THERE: stop being stupid and make a move. God, Sam gets it more than you this time around.)

Julie Kim! You are the cutest and most peaceful person I know. Tux loves you almost as much as I do. You are pretty quiet sometimes, but you better not be quiet when I leave! I expect letters and emails and phonecalls and postcards and…wait, no texts, because my parents disabled it! Haha. Yeah story of my life. (I love my parents though, of course.)

Nisha! Among my friends, you are the one I can count on to make me turn up the sunshine. Some people call me a ray of sunshine — but you are the sun. You are always someone to turn to if I need a brighter day, and you are the most warm and caring person a guy could know. Thanks so much for everything.

Horace! You have no idea how much you mean to me. Remember tag long ago with Eric Lin, Andrew Apicello, Tim Kang, etc? Since then, I’ve always thought you were an amazing kid. You inspired me by example to be a ray of sunshine into other peoples’ lives. You’ve touched people by your character, that character that makes you such a lovable, gentle soul. You’re an amazing guy Horace. You *know* we can’t lose touch.

Lauren — thanks for walking with me last night. You’ve always been that person I could count on to understand feelings and to give me good advice. You’re that natural impulse, the one who dares me to take a chance. I owe you cupcakes, and everything else.

Bobby! You have been my friend since what, 7th grade? You’ve always been one of the most awesome friends throughout high school. We cannot lose touch! Don’t let your frisbee skills go rusty either — I expect we’ll be playing a lot when we get back

Lehsah! Even though you couldn’t make it and were sick, you still managed to make me tear up with your beautiful montage. It means more to me than you can know, as is with everything you say and do. You’re the best.

Ann, just you being there made my day.

Last note: I make friends intending that friendship lasts forever. Never stop calling me, IM’ing me, emailing me, or whatever it is you do. Just don’t text me, I don’t have texts haha. I have um, everything else. Skype Oovoo Gtalk YIM AIM Email a BLOG, okay so never make an excuse like you can’t find me.

I love you all, you’re the best group of friends in this world, period. There is nothing that could ever replace any one of you in my life. You’re all of utmost importance to me…and I am crying manly-ly right now…and so yes I will hit the “publish” button now so that I can go and weep myself to sleep with tears of happiness.