No, I did not watch the movie instead of studying (I wish). But somehow, while learning about the complex exponential and the Sine Integral function, I came to the realization that I have been um, “pussyshit” as Kev Hsu would put it, during this past semester. I should act on what Laura & Megan always say — “Do what you want!” I’ve always wanted to do certain things, but I’m also always being pressured to put my time elsewhere. And I guess the thing I hate about churches or fellowships sometimes is when certain people tell you what to do with your life, like they know better. I do agree that my relationship with God is important to me, but I also believe in free will more than anything, that God gave us existence for the very sake of choice. How else could a loving God create a world marred with problems? Only by letting us decide how to run it. A perfect God would run this place perfectly, aye. But not us, because we’ve got choice. And I love that, and I shouldn’t be giving that away to others to decide how I should live.

Ultimately, my decision to stay in PAR next year has to do with my personal choice to be a leader in IV and to use my time in a way I that believe honors God. Before talking with Kwall and Mike Flores, I was going to stay in a dorm that honestly sucks for me in a lot of ways because certain people said that I should do it. But really, why did it take an entire late night chat for me to decide to live my own life? Answer: pussyshit.

Christians are a funny bunch: if I say I’m going to do what I want, they’re all thinking “you’re a moron, it’s not what you want, but what God wants that matters.” What matters to me is what matters to me, what business is it to you? If what matters to God matters to me, then I’ll do what I think is right and what honors him. If I’m not actually following God, I’ll lead my life the wrong way and the consequences are mine as well. Yes, I get it, that this family of mine wants the best for me. But seriously, intentions mean nothing to me, it’s the end result that matters. This is fair warning: I’ve got leftover objectivist sentiments in my veins and that’s why I’m writing this.

Maybe that’s part of why a lot of people detest organized religion, namely Christianity in its various forms. Sure Christians throw around the idea of a “personal relationship between man and God,” but pardon my french: what the fuck! You don’t tell a couple how to carry out their relationship, what makes you think you can tell people how to interact with God? The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart, and yes I can only conjure up ugly words to describe my disgust at the idea of someone violating my will. I do what I want, it’s a fact of life and you can’t change it. I can choose to do what God wants, sure, and maybe what I want isn’t the same as what God wants. But if I choose to do what he wants, it’s still my choice. Mine.

This isn’t so much a complaint about others though, as it is a self-reflection: the input of others only means as much as I value it. Currently I am perceiving that my personal valuation of outer opinions is too high, and I wish to change this. I need to take hold of my life. At the same time, I do complain. I complain that Christians talk too much in “Christianese” terms that skew the gospel. The crux of the gospel is not “turn or burn” and “follow rules,” but rather “choose your path, live your life, here’s some stuff to think about and hey this dude out there called God hopes you choose him cause he friggin loves you.”

I take responsibility for the things I do. I want responsibility for the things I do. Where I screw up, I’ve got a relationship with God going and he picks me up when I fall. I’m good. But seriously, Christian friends, relax. Let me walk my walk.

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