Okay after a demoralizing week and day, I’m finding that I just have to re-inspire myself. I’m starting by getting my work done early. All of it will hopefully be done by the end of tomorrow. I’ll try to finish CS231, Chem Prelab etc etc, and everything tomorrow. On Sunday I will study, and hopefully I will get this right.

I’m feeling extremely out of it. I’m wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday because I had to pop into bed for no more than three hours before forcing myself back awake to learn math from an extremely frustrating software. Why did I think that mathematica would be a good idea? Uhgh. The test also involved questions that were not necessarily covered by the techniques that mathematica taught. Hopefully I get a B on this test — if I get a high A homework average, I can still bring this up to an A- or an A. Almost nobody finished on time though — maybe 1 person. There will “definitely be a curve” but it doesn’t stop this from spoiling my weekend. I need to turn in the CS 173 homework in approximately 2 hours and it was balls hard. Me and KP were at it for quite a while (and nomran kept trying to join us but refused to work the same problems we were working) uhgh. It was just so frustrating. I get my CS173 test back in a few minutes, and I’m scared shitless. I missed both large group and small group this week, and with Kale’s homework due Tuesday it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting much sleep for days to come.

Oh and today is unofficial so drunken fools will be stumbling the streets. Maybe I’ll go watch them act like idiots to make myself feel better. That or I’ll take a nap.

I’m meeting him at 1pm today! Highlight of my otherwise boring as heck day.

Yesterday was a crazy work day. I feel like I aced the CS231 exam, but we’ll see. (I finished in about 1/2 the time and spent almost 45 minutes checking my work, and then I handed it in with 15 minutes to go). I also did mathematica yesterday and joined this other group to get it done, but I have to study today for the test tomorrow. I even went to CS173 lecture yesterday even though I fell asleep. Homework is due tomorrow, and it is balls hard. I don’t jest. Me & KP & Ralphie were working on it last night and we gave up because (at least me and KP) our brains were fried from the CS231 exam. Frickin Kale. He can go ——- ——– ———- (use your imagination, the dashes don’t represent how long each word is).

KP also says Kale in Indian means “black.” Our professor’s name is too cool for his level of teaching ability.

Just read this article, since I’m in a class that’s studying Turkey and I’m visiting at the end of the year.

This feels like another silly move that involves being “politically correct” — imagine yourself as a politician. If you vote against calling Obama to name the killings “genocide,” then you might be seen as heartless or otherwise portrayed in a negative light. Chances are, if this resolution goes to house, it’s going to pass. Now, if on the other hand it is not voted upon, then we don’t have to deal with it. I sincerely hope it does not go to house. Even if it does and it does pass, Obama better not act on it (it’s nonbinding). Practically speaking, there is zero benefit to Obama changing the way he speaks on this topic. Obama can choose either to make a bunch of silly Americans happy (that and the obvious group of Armenians with which we all sympathize), or he can try to improve Turkey-American relations which is VERY important if you look at the middle east and how our allies/enemies are placed. Lets really try to not make an enemy of Turkey, please.

Some people really have to get the difference between reality and ideals straight in their heads. Hrmph.

(via icanread)
just sayin’

Completed: 4
Left: 8
Time Elapsed: 6 hours
Avg Time: 1 hr 20min / question
Outlier: 5 hours spent on question #5

Outlook: need ~8 hours left to finish this assignment.

Forecast: Class tomorrow 9-11am. Work on this begins 11am, ends 5pm. CS231 exam at 7pm. I am screwed.

Upshot: I still get to sleep ~4 hours tonight!

My room is neat. My fish is fed. Time to WASTE TIME FOR AN HOUR! I deserve it, I studied a lot last night.

No, I did not watch the movie instead of studying (I wish). But somehow, while learning about the complex exponential and the Sine Integral function, I came to the realization that I have been um, “pussyshit” as Kev Hsu would put it, during this past semester. I should act on what Laura & Megan always say — “Do what you want!” I’ve always wanted to do certain things, but I’m also always being pressured to put my time elsewhere. And I guess the thing I hate about churches or fellowships sometimes is when certain people tell you what to do with your life, like they know better. I do agree that my relationship with God is important to me, but I also believe in free will more than anything, that God gave us existence for the very sake of choice. How else could a loving God create a world marred with problems? Only by letting us decide how to run it. A perfect God would run this place perfectly, aye. But not us, because we’ve got choice. And I love that, and I shouldn’t be giving that away to others to decide how I should live.

Ultimately, my decision to stay in PAR next year has to do with my personal choice to be a leader in IV and to use my time in a way I that believe honors God. Before talking with Kwall and Mike Flores, I was going to stay in a dorm that honestly sucks for me in a lot of ways because certain people said that I should do it. But really, why did it take an entire late night chat for me to decide to live my own life? Answer: pussyshit.

Christians are a funny bunch: if I say I’m going to do what I want, they’re all thinking “you’re a moron, it’s not what you want, but what God wants that matters.” What matters to me is what matters to me, what business is it to you? If what matters to God matters to me, then I’ll do what I think is right and what honors him. If I’m not actually following God, I’ll lead my life the wrong way and the consequences are mine as well. Yes, I get it, that this family of mine wants the best for me. But seriously, intentions mean nothing to me, it’s the end result that matters. This is fair warning: I’ve got leftover objectivist sentiments in my veins and that’s why I’m writing this.

Maybe that’s part of why a lot of people detest organized religion, namely Christianity in its various forms. Sure Christians throw around the idea of a “personal relationship between man and God,” but pardon my french: what the fuck! You don’t tell a couple how to carry out their relationship, what makes you think you can tell people how to interact with God? The mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart, and yes I can only conjure up ugly words to describe my disgust at the idea of someone violating my will. I do what I want, it’s a fact of life and you can’t change it. I can choose to do what God wants, sure, and maybe what I want isn’t the same as what God wants. But if I choose to do what he wants, it’s still my choice. Mine.

This isn’t so much a complaint about others though, as it is a self-reflection: the input of others only means as much as I value it. Currently I am perceiving that my personal valuation of outer opinions is too high, and I wish to change this. I need to take hold of my life. At the same time, I do complain. I complain that Christians talk too much in “Christianese” terms that skew the gospel. The crux of the gospel is not “turn or burn” and “follow rules,” but rather “choose your path, live your life, here’s some stuff to think about and hey this dude out there called God hopes you choose him cause he friggin loves you.”

I take responsibility for the things I do. I want responsibility for the things I do. Where I screw up, I’ve got a relationship with God going and he picks me up when I fall. I’m good. But seriously, Christian friends, relax. Let me walk my walk.

This mathematica is going to eat me up and I know it.

I woke up early this morning and had breakfast, but spent lunchtime at the ACM office just checking email and filling stuff out. I skipped 2 classes (math and CS173) for the sake of…doing nothing. And I took two naps, one when I got back from class, and one after dinner. Now it’s time to get to work but all I want to do is to nap some more.

Oh well.