Robin Eggs

Posted on April 8th, 2014 by Sammy

Went running today in fantastic weather, daydreaming all the while of a greyhound I don’t yet know. I’m so excited to meet one who wants me.

I am loathe to say “own” though I know dogs are generally considered something owned, property. I don’t think it’s possible to own very much in the world outside of the things we grip too tightly, and those things tend to be internally detrimental, things not worth owning.

I think life is best lived with gentle, open hands. These are hands of controlled strength that promise not to break the fragile blue containers of flighty life. These are hands easily held.

The gesture of open hands can be more than begging, more than helpless release. Some open hands are gentle beckonings — invitations to hold. These nights I dream of a beautiful dark-colored creature bounding into my arms, putting her head between my welcoming palms, demanding the affection I’ve always wanted to give.

Give me your mess

Posted on April 7th, 2014 by Sammy

It would be a more efficient world if all flowers were perennials, needed planting only once and required nothing more.

It would be a more efficient world if we all spoke the same language, if we all spoke 0s and 1s.

It would be a more efficient world if we did not allow children to play with bowls of flour on the kitchen counter.

It would be a more efficient world if we just storebought the damn cake.

Fuck efficient. Fuck fast, fuck easy: Give me the blue and yellow paints spilt onto the white carpet, give me bathwater gone cold and toes gone wrinkled, give me the watch that says it’s 4o’clock all day long. Give me the wrong drink and the wrong turn and the mistranslated homonym and let me drop all the sheets and towels out of the laundry bin and onto the bed, let me lay there in the wrinkles and shrunken sizes and faint pink tinge from the wrong wash setting. Let me waste the afternoon.

Give me what I didn’t order, give me boxes I didn’t check. Let me cut through the double-layer red velvet and pull out a gooey knife.

Give me your mess.

I want you, eventually. I want you, inefficiently. I want you and all your mess and all the mess of you to come. I want to give you the mess of me and I want us to make a whole mess of it all, all of it ours. I want it to happen when it happens. I want it to take as long as it takes.

I do not want the shortcut through my fast and only life.
from “You Will Know Me By The Clementine Juice On My Face” by Jen Schaffer


Posted on April 7th, 2014 by Sammy

On Friday evening the house + Curtis hit up a yakatori joint, then Curtis and Onur came with me to this magical music building in hopes of playing with some sweet instruments. Onur drummed most of the time (there were a few full-fledged drumsets), Curtis guitar’ed (he’s really good), and I pounded on an old upright piano that cut my fingers every time I gave my noise too much emotion.

Old pianos have a distinct charm — despite its abysmal condition this old Ludwig was tuned enough to ring of actual music. Certain chords gave weird twangs and resonated in unique ways I found pleasant, though maybe only me. Something I adored was the way everything creaked and shook like the thing was giving its all to push out intelligible sounds. I think when I grow old I’d like to be this piano, still cranking out sweet tunes to the best of my ability and being fully present despite age. Maybe now I’d like to be this piano also: rough about the edges and a little wacky but still all-around lovable.

If anyone is fully present despite age, it’s Noam Chomsky. He gave a talk at Google on Friday morning though unfortunately everyone was GVC’ed in rather than gathered in a physical location. It was conducted interview-style and ventured into all avenues of discussion — I started out in one of the rooms but then left to watch the talk on my laptop over cereal and coffee. Not sure I want to write about anything he said here, only that it was worth my hour.

I didn’t do much of note on Saturday … beside putting down a security deposit for a lease in San Jose! SO excited to live with Nathan. We’re going to be located in Japantown, ~1 mile from the proper Downtown San Jose, 1 block away from many delicious Japanese eats and little stores. There’s a small Ninjiya Market nearby also which is where I’m going to get my snacks (green tea kit-kats, fruit gummies, rice balls, etc). We stopped by a few shops and already there were signs of the art scene. I picked up some Chinese calligraphy brushes and stuff at one of the little mom-and-pop stores.

More than anything I am pumped for one of my (tall? grande? venti?) dreams to be realized in the coming months: the apartment allows dogs and I’m thinking about rescuing an Italian Greyhound sometime in June or July. I’m giving it a few months so that I have time to settle in and collect supplies needed to raise a dog. Greyhound seems perfect particularly because I will need a running buddy when I stop living with Kev (sadface). Oh god not having Kev to run with is going to be something I have to adjust to.

I like adjusting though. Signs I’m learning things.

Mmmm tonight Shannon and I hung out with Nathan + friends in San Pedro Market Square. A night full of serendipity — Shannon ran into someone she knew back in Kenya and hadn’t seen in years who happened to also know Nathan who had recommended this person’s writing to me in the past so I knew of her but only in writing. Kinda crazy how worlds collide! We hit ISO Beers afterwards, then spent some time frolicking in unwritten happinesses.

three sheets of paper and a gel-ink pen

Posted on April 5th, 2014 by Sammy

On Wednesday Karan and I left work a little early to catch a train to SF. Karan was heading up for Aziz Ansari, I to meet with Alex for a transcendent experience: The War on Drugs in concert.

Didn’t want to bring a backpack to the city but I needed something to do on the train so I brought three sheets of green graph paper and a Pilot G2. Figured I’d try to write a blog post on paper, having skipped so many days.

By the end of the night I somehow had but a half-sheet remaining and there I was on the midnight train with no battery left in my phone. 70 minutes to kill and no way to erase.

Dad grew up where paper was expensive: he treasured every sheet dearly as a kid and he’d always dreamed of having more paper than he knew what to do with. Maybe this is why his handwriting is so wonderful and neat, why he thinks things through better than I. Oh my harebrained ideas.

I sat staring at this half-sheet, wrinkled and torn, wondering how I could possibly form words to describe the evening or my insides at any length, much less in such limited space.

I’m so used to the freedom of digital writing; I’m used to completely erasing the malformed ideas that leak from beneath my fingertips. (Maybe everyone who writes has a little deletionist inside them.) Suddenly I found myself paralyzed by words and their weightiness. Self-conscious about my bad handwriting and afraid of squandering this small gift of space.

What I ended up writing was lost intentionally but things from the mangled sheet lingered — ghosts of incomplete thoughts. It wasn’t until Thursday evening, an unburdening night of happiness, that these small hauntings wandered away into the nether.


Posted on April 4th, 2014 by Sammy

So for you I came this far across the tracks
ten miles above the limit
with no seatbelt
and I’d do it again

strong swimmer

Posted on April 1st, 2014 by Sammy

Ooohooo, you are not alone
For the last time, I am sure
You are not alone
For the last time I am sure

Hey! I know what to feel when you decide
Hey! Where is the appeal if you don’t try? Try

Protected: like waves about the primordial tower

Posted on April 1st, 2014 by Sammy

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Posted on March 31st, 2014 by Sammy

Brain is tired, not writing today. Two thoughts:

1. Had too much coffee this morning but there’s no such thing as too much coffee so maybe I only had one real thought.

2. Waiting is waiting whether it’s 3 days or 4 days or a week, waiting is the worst. Waiting for them to find my computer, waiting for the lasagna to finish baking, waiting for my favorite day of the week, waiting in line, it’s all so unbearable.

That said I don’t wish time was moving faster. I would never wish that.


Posted on March 31st, 2014 by Sammy

After church Nathan and I helped Josh and Jewel move — a bunch of friendly church people helped also which was great, learned me many new faces. Helping new friends move has got to be a top 10 thing: physical labor is great for bonding, exercise is healthy, and we ate pizza together which as far as I’m concerned is communion.

A moment: we were bringing things into the freight elevator and this lady walks in with her tiny tiny puppy and it was the happiest little thing and playing with it was the only time today I was thankful for the elevator’s slowness.

Afterwards we hit CREAM in downtown San Jose, then ISO Beers. I ordered a Firestone Walker Lil’ Opal which was good but my favorite was Nathan’s order, the “Auld Bitch.” It tasted of chocolate, coffee, and bourbon. Apparently ISO encourages bringing outside food. Excited to try that sometime.

When we finished strolling around and talking it was 6pm; by the time I got home the housemates had already gone out to dinner. Grabbed a bite from the taco truck next door and meant to read for a while but promptly passed out until midnight. Guess moving heavy boxes and couches is a little tiring.

Tomorrow is a new day in a new office (we moved offices on Friday evening). I’m always excited for new things!

Oh I guess I should throw in here that the house is also planning a move also. I haven’t told the housemates yet (hi KP do you like that I’m announcing this via blog) but I’m thinking about moving in with Nathan, maybe in downtown San Jose. It’s still unclear but a big motivator for me is that we might find a dog-friendly place. I’m a little anxious about potentially being in a city though I suppose I can get nature at work. And I have a car, it’s not like I can’t drive to a park.

Other things

Posted on March 30th, 2014 by Sammy

Last night Kev had a high-priority work emergency to handle so he and Lehsah came home early instead of doing things in the city like they planned. Today they were supposed to have birthday dinner but then Lehsah came down with illness so her birthday celebration will have to wait.

Hopefully she feels better soon.

We grabbed dinner at Ai Noodle in Cupertino Village which is a solid place for dudes who can’t decide what they want to eat. Stopped at the asian bakery afterwards to grab a cake for Lehsah — took a gamble and bought a cheesecake. Turns out she dislikes cheesecake (how?!). (It’s okay, I love cheesecake. We’ll get something else for her later.)

We’ll likely do a house celebration sometime later next week.

Uhgh I have so many things I want to document regarding today but I can’t think straight right now, need sleep.

Taxes suck.

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